


This Is Home

by iwant_todie



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: A little angst, Fluff, Gen, Nonbinary Iskall, One Shot, not a lot, this is home - cavetown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25972159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwant_todie/pseuds/iwant_todie
Summary: So I looked at Home by Cavetown and went 'Is anyone going to write a fic about nb Iskall based loosely around this song?' and then made it a vent accidently.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 85





	This Is Home

Iskall stares into the mirror, trying to work out what’s wrong. He doesn’t understand it. Something feels wrong, and he can’t work it out. Tears well up in his eyes, threatening to fall out even as he tries to blink them away.

His hair hits his shoulders now.

Everyone says it looks nice, Stress will braid it absentmindedly if he sits down in hermit meetings, no one pokes fun at his hair. No one pokes fun at him, most of the hermits even saying that he looks really nice with it. Iskall runs his hands through it, wondering why it feels so  _ wrong _ , so  _ unnatural _ . He thought he liked it!

Maybe it’s too short.

\---

"Your hair is looking  _ nice _ today my dude!" Ren says from the doorway of The Omega Store, watching as Iskall restocks. Something eats away at Iskall's stomach, confusing him. The same thing that makes him feel bad looking in a mirror is  _ here _ .

"Thank you!" Iskall tries to smile, trying to ignore the chaotic dread growing in his gut.

"You should grow it longer, it suits you!" Ren pats Iskall on the back. "Be the first man in hermitcraft with middle of the back long hair!"

_ Man _ . That's not right. Why is that not right?

\---

Iskall stares at the computer screen, reading over the words.  _ Transgender.  _ Euphoria. Dysphoria. The words wash over Iskall. The words make sense, the words fit him - her? - situation.

She.

Iskall will try  _ she _ .

\---

Iskall lets her hair grow out, subtly asking Stress for help. She came out to Stress soon after, when Stress offered to cut her hair.

Stress was lovely, accepting her. So was Grian, and Mumbo. Scar too, jokingly saying that Iskall started in the body Scar should have started in.

She doesn't tell anyone else, and the jungle hermits keep their lips locked. 

\---

Iskall stares in the mirror, wondering why she still has dysphoria, why isn't it stopping? She thought she had it figured out. 

She collapses to the floor, tears jerking out of her eyes. It isn't fair.

\---

“Your hair looks nice today.” Cub says, sitting next to Iskall as the hermits slowly show up for the weekly meeting. “It’s getting pretty long, since you can put it into a bun.”

“Yeah.” Iskall looks towards the middle of the room, panic in her brain. She isn’t a girl. She isn't a boy. None of this makes  _ sense _ .

Stress thinks she should come out at the meeting today.

She can’t. She  _ cant _ come out, not when she doesn’t know who she is. Not when none of this  _ makes sense _ . Stress sends her a thumbs up from across the room, and fear settles in her heart, digging and clawing its way into her veins. This isn’t  _ right _ .

Iskall can’t hear Xisuma speak. Her - no, her isn’t right. Why aren't any of them right?  _ They _ is nice, but no one will respect that. He, she, those are singular. The hermits would -

“Iskall, you wanted to say something?” Xisuma says quietly, and Iskall’s head snaps up. Everyone is looking at them, and they can’t speak, they can’t  _ think _ , it  _ hurts _ . None of the hermits have any eyes, it’s too bright theres too many  _ colours _ here. They stand, nervousness eating at their throat.

And they run. 

They can’t think, it hurts too much. There’s too  _ much _ here. They can’t  _ think _ , it’s too much. They run, then they fall off something and they fly. They can’t even tell what dimension they’re in, everything merges together and they can hardly see let alone  _ think _ about where they are.

They crash land into the side of something, curling up into a ball where they land. It  _ hurts _ . It hurts, their entire side blooming in pain. They never should have gone to the meeting, they never should have told anyone that they thought they were a girl. They aren’t a girl! They aren’t a boy! They just  _ are _ .

\---

They sit in Doc’s bathroom, a pair of scissors in their hands. Doc found them, shivering and bruised, on top of the Goat Mother after they flew off. Doc didn’t ask anything, didn’t judge them as they were brought into his half of the mansion, just letting them rest and heal. They stared at the ceiling of the room, tears in their eyes. They don’t want to fall asleep, not yet.

Doc didn’t ask why they left. Doc didn’t judge, just handing them a pair of scissors when they asked for them.

They bring the scissors to their hair, taking a deep breath in. They start cutting, tearing unevenly through their hair as they struggle to reach the back of their head. They don’t stop, not until the tears block their vision and their hand shakes too much to continue. They collapse to the floor, holding onto the sink as they try to stop crying.

Doc runs in, shock on his face as he sees Iskall kneeling on the floor, sobbing into the side of the sink. Doc helps Iskall up, helping them to a seat outside the bathroom.

“Is it your side?” Doc asks quietly, kneeling by their side.

“I’m not a boy.” Iskall blurts out, tears in their eyes. “I’m not a girl either, I can’t keep  _ pretending _ , Doc.”

“Okay.” Doc says, smiling at them. “That’s, that’s amazing. They/them?”

“ _ Yes _ .” Iskall sobs, pulling Doc into a hug. “Thank you.”

“Does Stre- Anyone else know?”

“No.”

“That’s alright. You don’t have to tell them if you aren’t ready.”

\---

Iskall stayed with Doc for a few days, ignoring the hermits and building small redstone circuits under Doc’s back garden. They don’t speak that much, getting used to their pronouns. To  _ hear _ them said. It’s nice. They don’t want to leave. It’s safe, working under the garden as Doc plants bushes and flowers.

“The others are worried about you.” Doc calls down into the hole that Iskall is sitting in, trying to invent a better redstone circuit. “You need to tell them that you’re okay, even if it’s just in the group chat. I think they might raid if you don’t.”

They don’t want to. They don’t want to see the rejection in the others eyes. They haven’t even worked out  _ what _ they are, though Doc suggested ‘Nonbinary’ and ‘Agender’. The first one fits like an oversized sweater, comforting and large. The second one fits better, though Iskall doesn’t know if they’ll use it. The agender flag is nice though.

“You don’t have to, I could send a picture to the group chat, but I think Xisuma will come around anyways.” Doc slides down the ladder, walking over to them. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“You sound like a Dad.”

“I’ll call you kid later,” Doc smirks, messing with Iskall’s hair, “or kiddo.”

\---

Iskall hides behind a wall, trying to ignore the fear in their chest as Xisuma, Stress, Grian and Mumbo talk to Doc. They can’t breathe, not as the small group exchanges pleasantries and small talk, clearly waiting for them. They can hear someone tap their foot impatiently, either Grian or Stress, and they try to stand, to leave the wall and face the facts.

“Is sh- Is Iskall alright?” Stress’ voice is harsh, and Iskall can’t help but to flinch away. “You said that Iskall was alright, why isn’t sh-”

“I said that they’re fine.” Doc interrupts her, and Iskall can  _ hear _ the eye roll. “You petrified Iskall, no wonder they’re having trouble coming out here. You can’t force someone out, Stress.”

“What?” Xisuma says, and Iskall ducks their head around the door. Xisuma is looking at Stress, who has her hands in the air. Doc has his back to the door, though he’s clearly looking at Grian. Mumbo makes eye contact with Iskall, sending them a little wave and a questioning look.

“Doc, may I use your restroom for a second?” Mumbo asks politely, a smile under his mustache.

“Go ahead.” Doc waves off the tall redstoner, who dips behind the door, offering a hand to Iskall.

“You alright?” Mumbo mumbles.

“I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. We all love you, ‘Skall. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“I don’t think I’m a girl or a boy, Mumbo.”

“Then you’re just Iskall, unless that's not the name you want. You are you. We won’t stop supporting you because of something as simple as  _ that _ .”

\---

“You’re looking nice today my friend!” Ren says as Iskall restocks the Omega Store. “I like the little braids in your hair, did you do them or someone else?”

“I did them, it makes me feel nice.” Iskall smiles, a warm feeling in their chest.

Why did they think the hermits wouldn’t accept them? 

They’re family.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the process i went through to discover how i was agender but i had she first instead of he lol


End file.
